Conversation In A Waiting Room

[Unpublished]

John F Kennedy and Lee Harvey Oswald are sitting in a waiting room for the Afterlife.
“So what happened to you?” asks JFK.
Oswald glances sheepishly at the dead president. “I was shot,” he mutters.
“Me too,” says JFK.
There is silence for a few seconds.
“I really fancy a donut,” Oswald says.
“You mean a doughnut,” JFK replies.
“What? That’s what I said.”
“No, you said donut. The correct spelling is doughnut.”
“I don’t believe you. Donuts have always been donuts. Who cares about the spelling anyway?”
“A lot of folk care about the spelling. In America we have this thing we call education. Correct spelling helps to maintain discipline and order.”
“Really? So how come someone shot you then?”
JFK ignores his assassin. After a brief silent interlude he continues.
“Doughnut consists of the two words dough and nut. The delicacy is nut-shaped and is made from dough. This explains why the correct spelling is doughnut and not donut.”
“You’re wrong. And I don’t care anyway. I still fancy one.”
The dead president begins to lose his cool. “How can doughnut be spelt donut? What does the do signify? Do means to perform or carry out. What has this got to do with a doughnut?”
“It doesn’t. Not in this case. The do is the first and eighth note of a major scale.”
“No! That’s doh not do!”
“Wrong. That’s a female deer.”
“That’s a doe!”
“That’s what I said.”
“You didn’t!”
JFK clenches his fists and grits his teeth. Another silence ensues while the two deceased individuals gather their thoughts.
“If I find the person who shot me I’m going to punch him right in the nose,” says JFK, staring at the ceiling and the walls.
Oswald feels uneasy. “I fancy a donut,” he mumbles.
The president is tempted to grab Oswald and beat the hell out of him, but a policeman enters the room and sits next to him. There is silence again.
“So what happened to you?” JFK asks.
“I was shot,” the policeman replies.
“Me too.”
Oswald is silent.
JFK examines the identity badge of the policeman. It reads ‘J D Tippit’.
“What does the J D stand for?” he enquires.
“Jefferson Davis,” says Tippit.
“Wow, a president’s name! I have one of those.”
“I thought it was you, sir. I didn’t recognise you with half of your head blown away.” Tippit glances at Oswald who is strangely quiet. “So how about you? What happened to you?”
Oswald hesitates before completely ignoring the question. “I fancy a donut,” he murmurs.
JFK is angry now. “I’m getting really aggravated over this,” he fumes. “And if ever you seek information what I say is ask a policeman.” He turns to Tippit. “Tell me, Tippit. Which is the correct spelling, donut or doughnut?”
“Doughnut of course,” Tippit responds without hesitation.
“See?” blasts JFK, turning to Oswald. “You can’t argue with a second opinion now, can you? Officer Tippit here agrees that the correct spelling is doughnut. How can you deny the truth now? Why do you insist that doughnut is spelt donut when it obviously isn’t? Tell me. Tell me!”
“I can’t believe how pedantic you are,” says Oswald, his fury rising. “I’m really glad I shot you now!”
“What? You shot me?”
“Yes I did and I’m really glad I did it now.”
JFK clenches his fist even tighter and punches Oswald smack on the nose. Oswald falls back before regaining his posture. Claret begins to ooze from his left nostril.
“That really hurt,” he whimpers.
Tippit gets to his feet. “You’re the one who shot me as well!” he cries. “I thought you looked familiar.”
He also punches Oswald right in the nose with an almighty whack. More blood sneaks from his right nostril.
“Why did you do it?” shouts the dead president. “Why did you shoot me, the President of the United States? You’re not a commie, are you?”
Oswald avoids the question. “I fancy a donut,” he burbles.
The three men are interrupted by the arrival of St Peter. He is carrying a large tray. He reaches the bench and addresses the dead trio.
“Good afternoon, gents,” he says. “Welcome to the Afterlife. Coffee and donuts anyone?”
JFK jumps to his feet and plants a huge punch on the nose of St Peter. He stumbles backwards, obviously shocked.
“That’s doughnuts not donuts!” cries JFK.
Oswald snatches the tray and begins to feast on the doughnuts.